Squirrels

originally published in April, 2010

            I have a bird feeder strung up on a line outside my kitchen eat-in area. While I'm eating my breakfast I can watch wrens, sparrows, titmice and cardinals eat theirs.

            Birds are sloppy eaters and spill lots of seeds on the ground. That's good for the thrashers and the doves who don't like to fly up to the feeder. Bird seed also attracts squirrels. But they are not satisfied with seeds spilled from above.

            Last week I made a big mistake. I brought a bag of bird seed in from the garage and left it on the screen porch next to the patio where the bird feeder is strung. That's all the squirrels had to see. The next morning I got up to find a big hole in the screen and a big hole in the bag of seed. The squirrels obviously had had a party and left quite a mess.

            I had to do something about this situation. I figured I had four options.

            The most permanent fix would be for me to lie in wait and shoot the varmints. But then my neighbors might report me, and I'd end up arrested for using excessive force on an intruder bent on stealing my property. So I chucked that idea.

            So I thought I might set a trap for the thief and release him somewhere far from my house. But then I might be accused of capturing a squirrel just because he looked like a squirrel without proof that he was the one who made a hole in my screen. That would be considered squirrel profiling, and profiling is not PC.

            Then I thought I might just set out a big bowl of seeds and nuts every night on my screen porch and let the squirrels in unmolested. Sort of like food stamps for squirrels who don't have enough to eat. But squirrels have a voracious appetite and this option would cut into my seed budget so severely I wouldn't have enough for the birds. In effect they would lose their seed entitlement, and that's not a good idea, because protesters might demonstrate against me for denying justice and fairness to the birds.

            The last option would be for me to enclose my screen porch with glass and deny food to all the squirrels permanently. But that would be like shutting off Foreign Aid. And the haves shouldn't do that sort of thing to the have-nots. That wouldn't promote social justice.

            Such a dilemma. I need to consult some friends and maybe appoint a study commission to come up with recommendations. Gee, I think I know a guy in Chicago who is real good at this sort of thing.